This is me, being me...not trying to be anything else. Allison, raw and uncensored :)
I decided to start this blog as a way to journal my thoughts and feelings, as well as to be held accountable on this journey. It is no secret that I have struggled with my weight for pretty much my entire life. (At least to those who know me) The problem with having weight issues is that you can't hide it. When people have addictions to drugs and alcohol, it is possible to keep it from others. When you have issues with food, it is plainly displayed for everyone to see--right on your ever-expanding waistline. I am not anorexic (obviously, haha) or bulimic, I am not a binge eater...I simply eat to fill something that cannot be filled. I eat out of boredom. I eat when I'm stressed. The question is why? What is the void?
I am not sure when I first became "overweight" or what triggered it. I know when I look back on pictures of myself as a kid, I jokingly ask my mom why she didn't take the fork away. I do remember being in middle school when I first attended Weight Watchers. It was odd and uncomfortable. I was with a bunch of adults and had to weigh-in in a not-discreet-enough-for-me fashion. This was before the days of points, etc...Honestly, I have no idea what it entailed as I didn't stick with it long enough for it to leave a mark on my memory. A little while later, it was Jenny Craig. My parents did not "put" me on diets...not once in my life. It was my own personal choice, as I never felt like I was comfortable in my own skin. In fact, it took great sacrifice on my mom's part...time and money...to give me what I wanted. I have tried (and been successful on!) Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers, more than one time. I have also attempted Nutrisystem, Atkins, and many more. There have also been many times in my life that my weight was NOT an issue...but in those circumstances, there was something more powerful controlling me. There have been moments that I thought "I have this"...but obviously, I do not. If I did, I would not be 50 lbs overweight and blogging about it. I will not be posting my actual weight, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure numbers.
My goal is to figure out what is holding me back from being the best me I can be. Along with the fat struggle, there is also the fear factor. FEAR. Wikipedia defines it as "an emotional response to threats and danger. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of pain." I don't think I am completely conscious of what I am fearful of. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid to win the war with my weight and still not be complete...to still feel an emptiness. What I do know is this...Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous hand."
I will not fear. I have the ultimate Helper. I will conquer :)
Being a Mommy Rocks.
14 years ago
"I am afraid of failure." I can definitely realte to this. I don't like to fail. I feel like I do way too often. I want to be really good at something, not sure what. I also don't like feeling stupid, but do way too often. I figured after gallbladder surgery, I just needed to cut fat. So I did. It wasn't as hard as before because I didn't feel like eating much anyway. I think I lost about 4 lbs., but now that I probably cut back too much, not sure how it will be if I have to eat just a little more. I am still doing pretty good, though. No good 'n plenty's, no Wendy's burgers since the end of December. I'm being watchful. We'll see if it helps with the weight. I need the exercise, and looking forward to nice weather and hoping to start walking. Maybe you can motivate me. I just can't do it in the cold. I'm too big a weenie. LOL
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