The Proof is in the Pudding.

I don't even know what that means...So today I was emailing back and forth with one of my very favorite friends (Natalia) and I had this flashback...We met the last time Justin was on deployment...Her husband was on the ship with him, most of you know the story so I won't bore you with all the gory details. Anyways, Natalia still lived in Miami and I was already in VA. We would email each other all day, every day. I'm surprised she didn't get fired from her job before she quit :) One thing we did was email silly pictures to each other...Some just to make each other laugh, some to prove that we had put in our time on the treadmill that day. I was actually running about 5 miles a night at that point. Today when we were talking I told her how I'd gained so much weight since we met...she immediately asked if I had been treadmilling. I decided to go back through my old emails--waaaaaay back--and found this picture. Yeah I may not be super model thin, but I was strong and healthy. It looks like I had just gotten out of the shower too haha. Not so much, it was pure sweat dripping from my hair. Seeing this picture does a few things for me. It makes me laugh--come on look at my pose and my smirky face. It makes me all sappy, thinking about those days with Natalia. And lastly, it motivates me! I know I can do it.

*Justin approved the posting of this picture :)

Punching, xo

Don't Think, Just Punch!

I wish I could think as matter-of-factly as some people do...mostly, Justin. He knows my struggles, in fact he shares many of them. I woke up this morning and truly felt blah. I wanted to cry or scream, I wasn't quite sure which. I feel so unmotivated these days. I know in my head that the reasonable way to take action is to put one foot in front of the other and move. In my moment of feeling sorry for myself, Justin quoted the wisdom of Rocky and told me "Don't think, just punch." His words seemed to click with me in a way I never expected. He reminded me that the fight was not going to go away...so I can either get up and fight back or basically get knocked out. I read his email (he is many miles and time zones away after all), and immediately something changed in me. I got off the couch...I put on my running shoes...and I set foot on the treadmill for the first time in too long. It was as simple as that. Not once did I think about stopping or getting off. In fact, I even fought an easy way out of it and decided to put myself first. As I was listening to my ipod, the song "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie came on. Laughable, yes. But for some reason, I heard the words to the song in a different way...Maybe I'm completely stretching it here, but it worked for me so that's all that matters. It's about someone leaving someone or something in their life that isn't working for them...and although it may bring tears and pain...you know it's the right thing to do. It also talks about taking baby steps til you are full grown.

So here's to taking the first step of many in this journey...

Punching, xo

An Introduction.

This is me, being me...not trying to be anything else. Allison, raw and uncensored :)

I decided to start this blog as a way to journal my thoughts and feelings, as well as to be held accountable on this journey. It is no secret that I have struggled with my weight for pretty much my entire life. (At least to those who know me) The problem with having weight issues is that you can't hide it. When people have addictions to drugs and alcohol, it is possible to keep it from others. When you have issues with food, it is plainly displayed for everyone to see--right on your ever-expanding waistline. I am not anorexic (obviously, haha) or bulimic, I am not a binge eater...I simply eat to fill something that cannot be filled. I eat out of boredom. I eat when I'm stressed. The question is why? What is the void?

I am not sure when I first became "overweight" or what triggered it. I know when I look back on pictures of myself as a kid, I jokingly ask my mom why she didn't take the fork away. I do remember being in middle school when I first attended Weight Watchers. It was odd and uncomfortable. I was with a bunch of adults and had to weigh-in in a not-discreet-enough-for-me fashion. This was before the days of points, etc...Honestly, I have no idea what it entailed as I didn't stick with it long enough for it to leave a mark on my memory. A little while later, it was Jenny Craig. My parents did not "put" me on diets...not once in my life. It was my own personal choice, as I never felt like I was comfortable in my own skin. In fact, it took great sacrifice on my mom's part...time and money...to give me what I wanted. I have tried (and been successful on!) Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers, more than one time. I have also attempted Nutrisystem, Atkins, and many more. There have also been many times in my life that my weight was NOT an issue...but in those circumstances, there was something more powerful controlling me. There have been moments that I thought "I have this"...but obviously, I do not. If I did, I would not be 50 lbs overweight and blogging about it. I will not be posting my actual weight, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure numbers.

My goal is to figure out what is holding me back from being the best me I can be. Along with the fat struggle, there is also the fear factor. FEAR. Wikipedia defines it as "an emotional response to threats and danger. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of pain." I don't think I am completely conscious of what I am fearful of. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid to win the war with my weight and still not be complete...to still feel an emptiness. What I do know is this...Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous hand."

I will not fear. I have the ultimate Helper. I will conquer :)